I’m sure you know that affairs and cheating in this day and age are pretty common occurrences. Just open a tabloid or US weekly and I guarantee you will find a few stories about a cheating partner. You may even have some friends or family members who have had them. Actually, a few people that I know and love have had affairs.
At this stage in my personal growth I’m able to take a mindful approach to cheating. I honestly have no judgement when it comes to this kind of human behavior and I view infidelity like any other challenging situation in our lives; as an opportunity for growth.
I also know that most people who have affairs feel guilty about it, and therefore have more stress in their life. In fact, studies have shown that the experience of guilt in our life leads to inflammation in our physical bodies (S.S. Dickerson, et al 2004) and inflammation is the precursor to most illness and disease.
While I was in the shower I thought to myself. Why? Why are people choosing to put themselves under more stress? Yes, it feels good in the moment, but keeping a secret like this can put your health at risk. Both on a physical level (increased stress hormones & inflammation, STD’s or unwanted pregnancy) and an emotional level (fear of getting caught or doing something against your values). Affairs can also negatively impact children and families, which is the reason that I decided to explore this topic from a prevention prospective.
You didn’t get married to cheat on your spouse, right? You didn’t get married to end up feeling guilty and sick, RIGHT?
If you are considering starting an affair but still have not taken action, you might want to consider these five suggestions. If you are having an affair and realize it’s causing more harm than good, maybe working through these ideas could help you feel better about your marriage and your life.
Here are my 5 tips to avoid infidelity:
1. Find your passion
You believe that you’re not happy or fulfilled because of your partner. The reality is that happiness is an inside job. NO ONE has the power to create or takeaway your happiness. It is possible that you could split up from your partner AND still be unhappy. Make a commitment to figure out what makes your soul come alive. Is it giving back to others? Writing or something else creative? I would suggest that your passion is something outside of your home. You can be passionate about raising your kids, but I strongly recommend that you find your passion in your work or a hobby.
2. Learn about Human Design and Your Unique Energy Blueprint
Understanding the nature of certain energies will enable you to NOT take things so personally. There are actually energies in the chart where it’s part of the learning process to break bonds aka end relationships (a 3/5 profile). For some people it’s very challenging to leave a relationship without already having one to move into (4th line profile). Some people have a hard time understanding themselves (projectors). Some are moving SO fast and they don’t understand their impact on others (Manifestors/Manifesting Generators). Some people are deeply self-focused they have a hard time caring about what others think (individual circuitry). These are only a few of the intricacies that you can learn about in your Human Design reading.
The point I am trying to make is that we all have a unique energy signature and different challenges that we experience. Once we understand ourselves and our partner on an energetic level we are given a gift of greater self-awareness and compassion. You can get your FREE chart and learn more about Human Design HERE.
3. Learn to communicate with partner about your love language
Your partner is NOT a mind reader. When you got married your partner did not receive an instruction manual on how to make you feel loved, recognized or valued. It is actually your job to teach him or her. Before you can teach them though, YOU must know yourself. Take some time to think about what behaviors or actions make you feel loved. What kind of sex life do you want? What are YOU willing to give to your partner?
The first step in this is learning to really love yourself. If you don’t love and value yourself there will NEVER be someone who can fill that void for you. If this is a challenge I highly recommend working with a mentor, coach or therapist to help you get to the source of this issue.
4. Build a great community
It is not possible for one person to fulfill all your needs. This doesn’t mean you need to be polyamorous but it means that you should have a diverse group of connections to fill your cup. Some people will spark your creativity, some will be great listeners, some will be great teachers and some will be there in your darkest hours. DO NOT rely on your partner to be everything to you.
Make sure that your community isn’t full of people who like to party or drink excessively as you will be much more likely to be tempted when you are drunk. I also recommend that you set a boundary with yourself that you will ONLY cheat when you are sober. This way you know that you have your full decision making capacity when making the choice to cheat.
5. Consider having an open relationship
Some couples are totally fine with the idea have multiple sexual partners. If everyone is in agreement, then fantastic . I know some amazing people who are polyamorous. This takes away the stress and anxiety about the fear of getting caught and I am assuming that everyone gets tested for STD’s if they were to start a new relationship. I’m sure there are different stressors that come along with this kind of lifestyle so you must be willing to accept those as well.
If you follow each of these tips and still feel like having a relationship outside of your marriage is the best thing for you and your family, then I support you. I trust that you know exactly what is in your best interest and I’m here if you. If you are ready to get help around finding your passion, understanding Human Design, building a community or having love and compassion for yourself I invite you to book your confidential FREE phone session HERE.
Jennifer Bronsnick, MSW, LCSW is passionate about supporting moms to be resilient. As a mother of three daughters under 8 and a survivor of postpartum depression and anxiety Jennifer knows exactly how challenging motherhood can be. She also knows that there is hope for all of us and with accurate information, support and inspiration that mothers and families can thrive.
Jennifer’s years of clinical experience as a social worker and her own personal journey gives her the unique ability to guide other moms on their path to health and wellness. You can also learn more about Jennifer, the services she offers and purchase her books on maternal self-care at www.themindfulfamily.com/jennifer